Since spam and telemarketers may be quite bothersome, why not discover a way to make their calls into an entertaining game? Try responding to an unsolicited call from an unknown number the following time with a funny comment or joke to convince them to remove you from their call list (and provide you with ongoing entertainment). In addition to finding the funniest methods to respond to spam calls, we chatted with consumer technology expert Mitch Harris about safety precautions to take when you’re giving con artists a taste of their own medicine.
Best Funny Ways to Answer Spam Calls
- “This is the hokey pokey hotline, we’ll help you turn yourself around.”
- “This is the city zoo, Wolf speaking.”
- “He’s dead. What do you want me to do with the body?”
- “City Morgue, you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em. How can I help you?”
- “Tell Marty I want his full payment by noon tomorrow or he’s done.”
- “This is the urology department. Can I put you on hold?”
Pretend to be a fake, hilarious business or service.
Nothing confuses spam callers more than acting like you’re an employee at a made-up business with a funny twist. Once they hang up, block them to make sure they can’t call you from that number again.
- “City Morgue, you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em. How can I help you?”
- “Myrtle’s girdles, Myrtle speaking. What can I do for you today?”
- “Bill’s Pool Hall, 8 Ball speaking.”
- “Jim’s sperm bank, you smack it, we pack it! How can I help you today?”
- “Alcoholics Anonymous, Jack Daniels speaking.”
- “Alejandro’s Mortuary and Taco Stand, where yesterday’s grief is today’s beef. What can I do for you today?”
- “Papa’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic. Your loss is our sauce. How can I help you?”
- “This is the hokey pokey hotline, we’ll help you turn yourself around.”
- “House of Pain, how can we hurt you today?”
- “Roger’s Crematorium. You got the cash, we got the ash. Jenny here.”
- “Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it. What can I get started for you today?”
- “Jonestown orphanage, you make ‘em, we take ‘em. This is Johnny speaking.”
- “This is the cannibal help hotline. Remember, people are friends, not food.”
Pretend they dialed the number of a real business or service.
If fake businesses aren’t your style, act like you’re an employee at a real one. Pick your favorite grocery store, restaurant, or fast food joint, and ask the spam caller what you can help them with. If they call back thinking they dialed the wrong number, try using a different one to confuse them!
- “Thanks for calling Home Depot, this is Gene. How may I help you?”
- “Hi, this is Jake from State Farm.”
- “Pizza Hut, how can I take your order?”
- “This is the city zoo, Wolf speaking.”
- “This is the urology department. Can I put you on hold?”
- “KCAP, go ahead, caller. You’re on the air!”
- “International House of Pancakes, this is Yolanda speaking.”
Answer like you were expecting a call from someone else.
Making spam calls can be a great way to let your inner performer loose. Attempt to place a pizza order, pose as the person conducting a dubious business transaction, inquire as to whether the caller is your long-lost parent, etc. There are countless options!
- “We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for weeks! Your test results are in, you need to come in immediately.”
- “I have your money, please just let my brother go!”
- “Yes, I’d like an extra large pizza with mushrooms, sausage, peppers, and onions, please.”
- “Tell Marty I want his full payment by noon tomorrow or he’s done.”
- “The job is done, but there’s blood everywhere. What do you want me to do?”
- “He’s dead. What do you want me to do with the body?”
- “Dad? Is that you? I’ve been waiting for you to call ever since you left.”
